Honest, brutal opnions wanted. Any forced rhyming, anything that doesn't seem to fit? I'll post some crits as soon as I can, I don't spend enough time in the lit section, so...help me and I'll make up for it 
hehe
The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you
Crossed legs on the orange carpet
Idly picking polystyrene to bits
I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits
All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die
bubble wrap holds no surprises
So what’s the point anymore?
I’ll lose my faith
‘till I am safe
And you are mine for sure
I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Oooh - the rhyming was pretty. I liked it. "You're the only comfort that fits." I was like, "AWWWW."
The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you
I don't get the striking black hands part. The hands on the clock are black and your lover is African-American? I'm confused here. But nice poetry here! Good rhyming!
I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again.
IM SO SAD. I don't get it!!! (cries)
First off I think this is a terrific poem. The characters have depth to them, there's movement, you start off in one place and end in another. Really good.
I liked how there were lots of little puns/ambiguities and funny phrases, like how
could be the clock hands "striking twelve" or black human hands that catch the eye;
;
and
(though I wasn't crazy about the italics in the last one - they seemed kind of tacky and unnecessary, as so many forms dictate that the last line or couplet should sum up the poem or reveal its meaning/message that we are all trained to put emphasis on the last lines already).
In the third stanza,
I wondered why there was a comma before "they lie" and not after it...maybe I'm reading it wrong, sometimes I do that, but it isn't working for me when I read it aloud. It seems like the grammar or something is funky.
Great poem, I'm very glad I got a chance to read it.
Wow, this was such a refreshing and well written poem!
All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die
Favorite stanza out of all of them, I actually have nothing to critique here. Wonderful
Wow Matt, your stuff is great every time. (Well, ok, i've just read Snoink, other than this, but STILL!! lol) anyways, I must say...great. i really liked the rhythm, it never stopped, the poem just kept pulling me farther and farther in. i completely disagree with everyone else and i must say, i loved the first two lines!! haha.
and your ending was perfect.
this kept getting better and better, and the end was the best part. no edits from me (altho that's not TOO rare on a short poem).
keep writing (of course!!!)!!
Teh Wozzinator (haha, thanks for the name, too!)
I agree that the first two lines don't really flow well with the rest of the poem, but you have to keep some sort of reference to time/clocks there to make the poem well balanced, and to keep the theme through out. Over all, very good!
I have to agree with the other reviewers and say that I don't really care for the first two lines.
I love these lines! Like I said, I didn't like the first two lines, but when I read the "striking black hands..." line, I just had to keep reading.
Overall, I thought the poem was really good.
The clock ticks 12:35
My phone tells me 12:32
On with packing I take it off the wall
Striking black hands remind me of you
Crossed legs on the orange carpet
Idly picking polystyrene to bits
I’ve never bothered with chairs very much
You’re the only comfort that fits
All your words are packed up in boxes
In the corner of my room, they lie
Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in
Wishes crept away to die
bubble wrap holds no surprises
[s]So what’s the point anymore? [/s]
I’ll lose my faith
‘till I am safe
And you are mine [s]for sure[/s] try 'absolutely' instead
I want to change all the clocks in the world
So the time is never wrong again. love these lines
Good work, just keep revising.
Like many other people have kindly pointed out, the beginning of your poem is a turn-off. What I really liked was the true personality to it, you must have put some good thought into this. The rest of the lines have such a great flow and the rhyming pattern totally worked for me. Great work.
I liked it. A lot. The only part I didn't like was the first stanza, but even that wasn't too bad
honestly, i agree with Jasmine Hart. Great job!
I didn't care for whatever rhyming pattern just as long as it was great, and I tell you it's fantastic. Well it sparks up memories, to tell you honestly and it's abit tough...which is a good thing...reminds me of someone. But well, the word choice and flow of it all is brilliant!
God Bless, KIM
the flow of this is really nice; it's a bit awkward at the beginning, but after that, it's as smooth as butter on the head of a bald monkey.
I love rythym and the flow etc.
I think it could use a little bit of work though.
Overall it was nice
Pretty
It flows beautifully and I love how the story unfolds. Your imagery is very vivid. I especially enjoyed the second stanza, and
"Collapsed cardboard dreams caved in."
I'd include some punctuation, and I think I'd change:
"I'll lose my faith
'Til I am safe
And you are mine for sure"
to
"I'll lose my faith until I'm safe
And you are mine for sure."
This is a really lovely piece. Your poetry has a lovely feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's great. Lol. Sorry about my lack of coherency!
I liked the first two lines actually
I liked the whole thing, I can't say anything bad about it!
Meevs
x
Yeah, I agree about the first two lines, they turned me off, but I decided to keep reading anyway. Actually, the whole first stanza doesn't ryme.... The rest was great!!!
Nice job
I liked the rhyming to be honest, didn't break the flow, seemed natural. First two lines I didn't particularly like though.
It all seemed very observational, which is all very good unless you don't make any conclusion from all the images - in some places you did, in others it just seemed like idle description. I mean, why is the carpet orange?
I lo-ov-ve-ed the last stanza though, just seem almost like a little limerick to finish it off.
Although the italics are the best part of the poem.
Ends well, but the starts needs to be refined. Cut out what you don't need. Otherwise it's hard to read through and care at all.